Next to my desk is a chair. The chair is big enough for one human, or two small dogs. This is the source of the quotidian dog drama.
The chair belongs to Mortimer, who claims it under the “first in time, first in right” legal doctrine. For those without the benefit detriment of a legal education, the doctrine is best understood as: I got here first, so you’re shit outta luck. It can be exercised in any number of ways — exuding a sense of entitlement, calling “dibs,” or marking your territory, ideally with a flag, but urine will do.
Mortimer’s claim dates back to 2019, when we bought this house, designated the smallest bedroom as my office, and placed the chair in question next to my desk. At first, he laid claim by calling dibs, but it sounded like an unintelligible rumbling, purring groan. Mortimer, it should be said, was born with old man energy. He was named after Mortimer Duke, one of two septuagenarian brothers who are the villains in Trading Places. This fact, I believe, explains his sense of entitlement. Also, he is a dog who thinks he is a human who identifies as a cat, which explains the purring. Needless to say, Mortimer’s communication style is both amusing and confusing. To be on the safe side, he cemented his claim by peeing on the chair at the first available opportunity.
Last year, Bodhi entered the picture. Bodhi is a puppy, hence the puppy energy. He is named after a different movie villain, the Patrick Swayze character from Point Break. This explains his disdain for property rights; his physiology, which is 100% pure adrenaline; and his presidential aspirations.
When I’m away from my desk, the chair sits unoccupied. This is because Mortimer and Bodhi, despite their differences, share a common belief that stalking me, even when I’m in the bathroom, is life’s highest calling. The chair drama is a play that runs whenever I’m at my desk, as the chair’s value is its proximity to me. The drama’s opening act is a race to the chair. Mortimer has longer legs, but at 16 he’s well past his prime. Bodhi is fast, and because he’s still in the “fuck around and find out” phase of life, he also intentionally bumps and bangs into Mortimer NASCAR-style as they race toward the chair.
Once Bodhi secures the chair, act two begins. In this act, Mortimer stands in front of the chair. He groans and purrs and becomes increasingly agitated. This is Mortimer’s impression of the famous bit from Cheers when Norm and Cliff discover a couple occupying their barstools.
Bodhi finds Mortimer’s protests amusing. I know this because the more agitated Mortimer becomes, the bigger Bodhi’s shit-eating grin gets. Usually, I say something to Bodhi like, “Stop fucking with my guy.” But Bodhi, like his namesake, cannot be reasoned with. So I say something to Mortimer like, “Don’t be afraid, just get into the chair — there’s room for two, anyway.” But that only makes Mortimer more agitated, and it doesn’t help that Bodhi taunts him by quoting Point Break: “Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.”
Mortimer’s worst fear is ceding his legal claim to the chair. Bodhi is fearless — all gas, no breaks. My fear is that this distraction will never end, that I’ll blow my deadline, and lose my job. So I try to coax Mortimer into the chair. I do this by tapping on the chair while giving Mortimer words of encouragement. I say things like, “You can do it,” and “You got this.” Sometimes that works. Other times, I have to ramp up my game by telling Mortimer to “nut up or shut up.” Despite the fact that he was neutered, Mortimer always nuts up.
With both dogs in the chair, the final act can begin. Mortimer grumbles and groans, shifting his body around in the seat to take up as much space as possible. Bodhi taunts him by paraphrasing another quote from Point Break: “You still haven’t figured out what sitting in chairs is all about, have you? It’s a state of mind. It’s that place where you lose yourself and you find yourself.”
Usually, after a few minutes, Mortimer stops groaning and settles in. At that point, Bodhi settles in too. But this is temporary. Bodhi stays in the chair just long enough to let Mortimer know that his claim is in jeopardy. Then, when all seems tranquil, Bodhi climbs over Mortimer and leaps onto the floor.
Once I asked Bodhi why he didn’t just stay in the chair. After all that drama, I explained, the chair is clearly big enough for both of them. As usual, Bodhi’s response was in character and on Point (Break): “It’s 100% pure adrenaline! Other dogs snort for it, jab a vein for it, when all I gotta do is jump.”
The inspiration for this post came from Elizabeth Marrowho saw the photo of Mortimer and Bodhi in the chair together and correctly noted that one of them was about to bolt.
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I ask, you answer
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Do your pets have drama? Dish!
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Did we make a mistake naming our dogs after movie villains? Explain.
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Who does the chair belong to? Wrong answers only.
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Bodhi nailed it when he said, “Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.” What do you fear? Go deep.
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Is rubbing racing (see the Days of Thunder GIF above)? Explain.