I’ve been thinking a lot about Spencer Pratt this week. That’s not a sentence I ever thought I’d write, but these are dark times. Ideas that were once considered absurd are now meant to be taken seriously, while serious ideas now come across as absurd. To exist in this moment is to confront a relentless shit show wrapped inside a clusterfuck that continues to upstage life’s regularly scheduled goat rodeo. In other words, the situation is very bad. Case in point: There’s a one in four chance that Spencer Pratt will be the next mayor of Los Angeles, according to Kalshi. I’m not a mathematician or a gambler, unless you count voting, which is the ultimate wager. But a one in four chance that Spencer Pratt becomes LA’s next mayor is … troubling. After all, you’d have better odds playing Russian roulette.
Now, I know what you’re wondering. Who the fuck is Spencer Pratt? I had to Google him too. Turns out, Spencer Pratt became “famous” on a reality television show called The Hillswhich ran on MTV from 2006 to 2010. Spencer played himself, which is to say he played a low-information, high-anger douchebag. I didn’t watch The Hillsbecause I get my kicks watching shows about high-information, low-anger human (and the women who love them). But a lot of people did watch The Hillsand they tried to warn us. They’d write things in online forums like:
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“Spencer Pratt is a human paraquat. If he ever gets into local politics, LA is screwed eight ways to Sunday.”
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“I know we’re not supposed to post about politics in this forum, but I don’t care. Spencer Pratt can never be allowed to serve as mayor of Los Angeles. The city has enough problems without that fuck-stick running the show. (Totally understand if you need to delete my post, per forum rules).”
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“You know that thought experiment about Hitler and the time machine? Well, Spencer Pratt is the LA version of that hypothetical. I’m warning you guys, he’s gonna run for mayor one day, and you’re not gonna like it. Trust me. I’m Spencer’s mom, so I know what we’re dealing with here.”
Obviously, nobody heeded the warnings. That’s why we’re in this mess. Which is why, against my will and better judgement, I’ve been thinking a lot about Spencer Pratt lately. Because unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past decade, you know damn well that when reality television stars become elected officials the shit hits the fan.
Before I go any further, I should note that this isn’t an endorsement of the other candidates. Nobody seems to like Mayor Karen Bass, and yet somehow councilwoman Nithya Raman, who is running to the left of Bass, is in third place behind the mayor and Pratt. There’s also a tech founder dude in fourth place, but nobody knows who he is, and I’m too busy to Google his name. To channel the wisdom of Richard Pryor’s titular character in Brewster’s Millionsthe best option is none of the above.
Unfortunately, Rush was correct when they sang, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” Which means, we have to pick someone, Los Angeles, and whatever we do, that someone shouldn’t be Spencer Pratt.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why shouldn’t we choose Spencer Pratt? Are his ideas bad? Is he unlikely to deliver on any of his promises? Will his mere presence degrade the already degraded institution that is local government in Los Angeles? The answers are yes, yes, and you bet your ass. But don’t take my word for it. Listen to the people who famously do their own research, and then for fucks sake, do the opposite of what they recommend.
Which brings us to the dipshits, wing-nuts, and buffoons, i.e., the key building blocks of Pratt’s winning coalition. The paradox of Los Angeles politics is that in a town where fame is the ultimate currency, elected officials aren’t the stars, they’re the extras. The reason is simple: Corruption thrives in darkness. Casting a star in the role of an elected official would ruin everything, because their star-power would shine a bright light on City Hall, forcing Angelenos to do the unthinkable — confront the downtown graft-labyrinth where thieves, pimps, and scoundrels run free. In theory, a celebrity could provide the antidote to the closed-door corruption and backroom dealing, but in practice Pratt isn’t famous enough for anyone to care, and in truth, celebrities have a lousy political track record in California. (See: Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Clint Eastwood.) Regardless, Pratt is an outsider, and as an outsider he can’t rely on established coalitions. He needs to build a new coalition, which is where the dipshits, wing-nuts, and buffoons enter the picture.
The dipshits don’t know any better. They’re dipshits, after all. They can be counted on to parrot the dumbest talking points, which seems like a liability, until you realize that the electorate has the collective IQ of an ostrich on meth. The wing-nuts are the people who know best. That is, they rate their intelligence so highly that they’re convinced that the bizarre ideas they champion are brilliant, despite the fact that everyone else knows those ideas are painfully stupid. Actually, that’s not quite right. Wing-nuts see the establishment’s criticism of their ideas as proof of their intelligence, which makes them more dangerous than the dipshits, but a lot less interesting than the buffoons. Unlike the dipshits and the wing-nuts, the buffoons truly do know better, but nevertheless they can be counted on to back the worst people for one simple reason: the lolz. On their own, these groups are irrelevant and (sometimes) entertaining. Collectively, however, they’re lethal, as the cacophony they produce is the political equivalent of the Sirens’ call that fucked up Odysseus’ shit.
As far as I can tell, Spencer Pratt has already locked up the dipshit vote. Birds of a feather, as they say. Initially, the wing-nuts were wary of Pratt, but I fear that the YouTube algorithm will rally them to his cause. You see, one under-reported aspect of the Pratt campaign is his use of AI to make videos so stupid, so cringe, and so lacking in production value that only the wings-nuts can see their brilliance.
In one video, Pratt portrays himself as a Jedi determined to save Los Angeles from Emperor Palpatine (Gavin Newsom), Darth Vader (Karen Bass), DSA stormtroopers, and woke zombies. I swear, I’m not making this up. You can watch the video for yourself, but if you’re low on brain cells I urge you to proceed with caution, as the side effects may include stupidity.
In another video, Pratt adopts a lighter, Latin vibe as he takes out the trash, aka Karen Bass. For some reason, however, the music sounds Cuban by way of Miami, so I’m not sure Pratt understands the Latino vote in Los Angeles. Nevertheless, Pratt’s demonstrated ignorance is catnip for the dipshits, wing-nuts, and buffoons he needs to win.
There are hundreds more videos out there. The Pratt campaign shits them out faster than ChatGPT can spit out the wrong answer. But I’m sharing one last video called Pratt Summerwhich is a play on Brat Summer. In this video, Pratt is a DJ, superhero, and guy with great abs who has the rizz to return LA to the glory days captured in the MTV documentary The Hills.
At this point, you may be wondering if I believe these videos will convince Los Angeles to vote for Pratt. The answer is no. These videos are too dumb to persuade regular people, even if regular people are dumb as dog shit. What these videos do is build community. But not just any community. A community of dipshits, wing-nuts, and you guessed it, buffoons. If you haven’t been paying attention, that’s a huge fucking problem.
As of this writing, things aren’t going well in the city of Los Angeles. But the worse things get, the more low-information voters start paying attention. The trouble is, it’s the dipshits, wing-nuts, and buffoons who are most likely to capture that attention on behalf of the Pratt campaign. In other words, the worse things get, the worse things get. It’s what political scientists call a death spiral of stupidity. And we are spiraling.
Is there a way out of the stupidity spiral? Sadly, there isn’t. Like all slow-motion train wrecks, the only way out is through. Which is to say, Pratt will likely make it to the general election, and once it’s down to two candidates he’ll be able to draw a bright red line separating the dipshits, wing-nuts, and buffoons from everyone else. The trouble with that is that everyone else will be in the awkward position of defending a status quo nobody likes, and that kind of lackluster vibe is no match for a Spanish-speaking Jedi with killer abs who takes out the trash.
Yes. And yes. But Sara Campbell requested more coverage of local politics, which just goes to show you that your voice matters, at least if you’re Sara.
I got you. Not Safe for Work is available at Amazon and all the other book places. Murder and Other Distractions is available here. And Ride/ Share can be purchased here.
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Why do the Russians get their own version of roulette? Explain.
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The Pratt campaign seems to believe, incorrectly, that zombies are part of the Star Wars universe. Is this disqualifying?
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Fuck, marry, kill — but your choices are dipshits, wing-nuts, and buffoons. Choose wisely.
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Christina says I’m being unfair to Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Clint Eastwood, and that many people think they were mediocre / solid / good elected officials. Is she right?
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Did you watch The Hills? Tell your story.