One of the secrets to a happy life is refusing to take responsibility for your fuck-ups. It works in any situation. Didn’t do your homework? The dog ate it. Forgot your wife’s birthday? Calendar app must’ve glitched. Angry that the guy you voted for because he said the last two wars were clusterfucks started another war, and now you’re feeling pain at the gas pump? Blame the Jews.
If you refuse to take responsibility, the Jews are handy to have around, though any group will do. Didn’t get the job? Blame the race / ethnicity of the person who got the job, or simply say DEI if you’re worried about sounding racist. Got the job, but got in trouble with HR for telling the interns dick jokes? Women. (Zoomers also works). Gobsmacked that the guy who promised he’d release the Epstein files on day one, didn’t, but then was forced to, but then still tried to keep them secret, but then eventually a shit ton of Epstein files were released, and it turned out that the guy you voted for was actually — wait for it — all over the Epstein files? That’s a hard one, I know. It seemed so obvious the whole time. It’s like you were fooled, or something. It’s basically a Scooby-Doo episode — “It was old man Donald all along.” Now, you have only yourself to blame for putting the person you most revile in charge. Better blame the Jews, just to be on the safe side.
But there’s always new shit. There’s new shit every day. Monday it’s the tariffs, Tuesday it’s the Epstein files, Wednesday it’s the war (or a different war; it’s hard to keep track), and by Thursday you haven’t even had your coffee and you need a new group to blame for the thing you haven’t read about yet. It’s a full time job, and you already have a full time job … hanging out on LinkedIn looking for a new job, because of those damn Zoomer chicks couldn’t take a joke.
That’s where denial comes in. It pairs perfectly with blame. Whenever an uncomfortable moment comes up and you’re just too tired to play the blame game, say “I didn’t vote for this.” Say it preemptively when you enter a room … just to clear the air. Post it on social media as the preface to how you really feel. Practice saying it while looking down and shaking your head. That way nobody can see in your eyes that you did.
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Who do you blame? Wrong answers only.
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What’s your secret to a happy life? Dish!
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Why can’t Zoomers take a joke? Hint: They can (you’re just not funny).
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LinkedIn! What the actual fuck is going on with that dumpster fire of website? Explain.
I got you.
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