Gray-Legged Tick
Physically resembling a crossbreed of a gremlin and Stephen Miller’s soul, the Gray-Legged Tick can be found wherever it is even moderately interesting to vacation in the Northeast. These arachnids hatch from eggs incubated in moist woodchuck feces, then affix themselves to the nearest dupe naïve enough to leave the city. Although the ticks are otherwise harmless, note that, once bitten, you will smell of rodent diarrhea. Forever.
Red-Bodied Dog Tick
Has your idiotic dog wandered onto a bucolic patch of grass that hasn’t been freshly treated with toxins? Then he may be carrying a Red-Bodied Dog Tick and her thirteen thousand about-to-hatch eggs. Once you have returned to the city, from which you clearly never should have strayed in the first place, the tick larvae will emerge, bearing grotesque little fangs. Who knows what they’ll choose to latch onto? Your bed linens? Your sugar bowl? Your pubic hair? Best to wash everything in fire, just in case!
Mid-Atlantic Longhorned Tick
One brush with this guy and—honestly, you don’t want to know. Have you heard about that autoimmune disorder that renders people deathly allergic to happiness? You’ll only wish you had that one. The good news is that there are several precautions you can take to avoid this virulent tick. When in sight of a tree, make sure to wear two pairs of thick socks—pulled up over your pant legs so that you look like a complete asshole—and meticulously spray your entire face with insect repellent. (To insure that it’s effective, use only those DEET sprays labelled “Warning: Use of This Product Will Give You Cancer Immediately.”) Male hikers, remember to always wear a condom beneath your undergarments—otherwise the tick will make a swift break for your penis.
Eastern Forest Tick
Examined under a microscope, this minuscule parasite bears an uncanny resemblance to your childhood bully, right down to its mullet and Van Halen T-shirt. It gives its prey an undetectable autoimmune disorder that makes the sufferer feel mysteriously enervated, able to summon only enough energy to ceaselessly complain to exasperated loved ones. Meanwhile, back in the woods, the tick that bit you will become a paragon of efficiency and sensuality, the merest drop of human blood acting as a potent mélange of transcendental meditation, Bolivian cocaine, and praise from gorgeous strangers.
Low-Country White Tick
Beware this diminutive smidge of unadulterated malevolence, which enjoys nothing more than creeping along the neck of an unsuspecting hiker who, for some reason, craved an expensive weekend of “country air.” Remember: the only sightseeing activities you should plan for your vacation are meticulous tours of your bodily crevices as you conduct hourly panicky tick checks.
Hudson Valley Fox Tick
Although studies are still inconclusive, a growing number of entomologists believe that this tick is actually Adolf Eichmann, reincarnated into a billion little bastards and sent to Earth as an emissary of Satan. When the Hudson Valley Fox Tick finds you in nature—and it will—it burrows into your most vulnerable exposed body part, which will rapidly swell to a size scientists categorize as “oh-my-God-what-the-fuck-is-that?!” Have fun locating a country doctor who will prescribe antibiotics within a two-hour window. Otherwise, you guessed it—autoimmune disorder! Bid farewell to your carefree days of eating carbohydrates without the assistance of a steroid injection. ♦